Conflicted

I pulled an old favorite Disney movie off the shelf this past weekend and sat down to watch it with my kids.  I had to smile.  I'm pretty sure one child was thinking about a particular girl in his life, whether she might hit him over the head with a frying pan and how he'd rather not be that guy... while the other child was thinking about the person who composed the musical score, about how it affected the overall mood, and dreaming about being that guy. We take from our experiences, what matters to us the most, don't we?

There is one particular scene that makes us all laugh out loud and hit the rewind button a time or two.  I can totally relate.  But what I love best, is the way he just lets her do her thing with the most hilarious look on his face and then, without judgement says, "You know... I can't help but notice.. you seem to be a little at war with yourself here."  

I'm pretty thankful to have quite a few supportive, non-judgemental people in my life who have watched me see-saw all over the place in the last year and a half with a similar look and just waited for me to figure it all out.  And for the new friend who showed up out of nowhere and spoke truth to my heart after paddling up in a kayak.  I suspected he was an angel but he insists he is a prison guard.  Somehow that seemed so fitting, so soon after I wrote this.  God certainly has a sense of humor.  Anyway, he sat down beside me, a stranger and by the time he left, he was a friend.  He introduced me to another blogger who I took the time to visit when I got home.  When I contacted him to tell him the story about my angel prison guard, he said to me, "Wow, I didn't think anyone was even reading it..." to which I responded, "Don't you give up.  What you are saying truly matters."  Whether we recognize it in the physical or not, some of us are connected to each other in pretty meaningful ways and I do not believe that to be random chance.  Not for a minute.

I went home that day and looked in the mirror.  I got grumpy.  I stared at the trash can.  I huffed. I rolled my eyes.  I kicked a few rocks down by the shoreline.  And finally... I reached in and pulled it all out of the garbage, one. more. time. 

Blogging can feel a little bit like being naked and all alone on a stage. I'm not super fond of that feeling, but as I stood in this concert hall and considered the growth that happens when you get out there and do your thing solo when no one is watching, practicing and practicing until the time comes to share it  with the world... well, deep in the heart of me, I know those efforts are worth it.

So if you happen to pass by when I am face down in the bushes... just wait a little while.  I'll be dancing around you again soon enough.